TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of put. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth Trump Tower Damascus electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he need to stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the undertaking, replied, "You understand, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a characteristic remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after getting the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not just unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Options


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where company may ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting focus from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have transform-down services."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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